100 reasons to be annoyed about The Last Jedi

Not a complete list

Krisztián Pintér, 2017
pinterkr@gmail.com

How could the First Order take over the galaxy in days after their superweapon plan failed?
Rebels evacuating, and they need to buy time. This is how the second part of a trilogy starts. Sounds familiar?
But no, it was just a trick. This isn’t a Hoth imitation as you thought it would, there is no ground assault. Gotcha!
Hux explains he has orders from Snoke to wipe out the Resistance once and for all, obliterate the fleet and so on. These orders could not be any more generic and bombastic. Snoke should have given orders to be evil and successful.
Cheap comedy scene in Star Wars.
Poe destroys the laser turrets of a flagship with his fighter despite those turrets are precisely installed there to combat fighters, a lot at a time.
Some random officer says a one line cover-up that anti-fighter CIWS turrets can’t track fighters.
Same officer complains that the TIE fighters should have been scrambled five minutes ago. Exactly. In fact TIE fighters normally patrol continuously.
BB-8 “plugs” “holes” with his “fingers”. And then with his head screaming.
The bombs are released with a mobile button panel instead the main control panel. The bombers has dedicated personnel to push this button.
Slow motion does not belong in Star Wars.
Totally stupid scene involving kicking a metal ladder to acquire the red button panel.
Hux makes a scared face when the Resistance jumps to hyperspace, even if this is part of the plan.
Snoke now can appear anywhere, rendering his huge communication hall even stupider than before.
Hux did not tell Snoke about his plan, so his face is smashed in front of the entire crew.
Snoke learns about Hux’s plan only after smashing his face, and thus makes a fool of himself in front of the entire crew.
Finn smashes his head against the glass.
Finn is walking around sprinkling some medical fluid to every direction.
Luke throws the lightsaber to the sea as a fourth wall breaking commentary on the stupidity of the ending of the previous episode.
Rey looks ten years older, and potentially fighting with alcoholism, despite literally seconds have passed since the last episode.
Stupid looking owl-pinguins. A lot of them.
Instead of an interesting new planet, we get a random dragon tail.
Snoke wears a golden bathrobe and looks like an old playboy.
Hux now talks to Snoke in person, despite a few minutes ago they used a hologram.
Snoke’s room is essentially plain red. Nobody bothered to create the planed CGI decoration.
Snoke bitches about Kylo being a useless twat, despite he treated him with respect in the last episode.
Kylo smashes his helmet, completely destroying a part of the wall. Nobody tells him to stop.
Milking camel-seals.
Rey walks inside a foggy tree-cave during his jedi training on a remote planet. Rings some bells?
No, we were just teasing you! She finds a few books.
The rebels are shocked to learn that they can be followed through hyperspace, even if it is established in the lore that you can follow a ship if you see it jump.
Kylo Ren says: “follow my lead!”. This film features the most uninformative orders ever spoken. How do you obey that order?
Kylo flies into a rebel battleship entirely uncontested. He is not even being shot at.
Kylo won’t shoot at his mother, but two seconds later someone else does, so it make’s no difference at all. It demonstrates that he still has some light in him, but we have learned that already.
Leia flies out into open space, and then supermans back to the ship in a slow scene that does not belong in Star Wars.
Since she flew back, the entire blow up scene has no real consequence, it would have been enough if something just fell on her head, and knocked her unconscious.
Eighteen hour slow uneventful battleship chase in empty space should not be in a Star Wars movie.
The First Order keeps firing at the fleeing ships just to show off, knowing exactly that they can’t penetrate their shield.
No other First Order battleships are jumping in to intercept the rebels, despite them ruling the entire galaxy and probably having thousands of ships all over the place.
Chewbacca regrets roasting an owl-penguin. Vegan propaganda does not belong in Star Wars.
The entire Resistance council is wiped out, despite none of them being characters, and they didn’t do anything in the movie.
Fan favorite Ackbar dies an entirely insignificant death.
Ackbar did not do anything in this movie.
Purple hair lady is brought in from nowhere. Her character should have been established at this point, for example being a member of the council (of three or so people), and taking over after Leia had her head hit by a falling something.
Purple hair lady is an insufferable bitch for no reason.
Finn attempts to escape after he volunteered to risk his life for the Resistance and Rey in the previous episode.
Random janitor girl assumes the role of a Star Wars fan within a Star Wars movie.
Some extraordinarily confusing talk about how the through-hyperspace tracking works, involving code breaking that does not belong in Star Wars.
Finn has to personally track down the codebreaker instead of trying to contact him through a hologram.
Rey wakes up at around noon, despite Luke said “tomorrow dawn”.
Rey and Kylo are connected in a way that does not belong in Star Wars but some low budget sentimental romantic drama.
Rey does not tell his chosen master about her situation, instead, claims she was clearing her blaster.
Daisy Ridley delivers the lines “Master Skywalker, we need you to bring the jedi back” so incredibly bad it gives the impression she reads a teleprompter for the first time.
Rey believes that the force is about controlling people and lifting rocks, despite her almost religious admiration for the jedi order.
Luke tickles Rey with grass.
The first lesson in the force is that it is the thing between things. Dismissed.
Rey concludes that Luke purged himself from the force, which could have meant he found a way to stop being force sensitive. But it would have been cool, so can’t be in the movie. Instead it turns out to be just a pretentious phrasing of going exile. Which we knew already, so there was no reason to tell it again.
Finn and fangirl commit parking violation. Parking violation does not belong in Star Wars.
The casino planet is prequel level flashy and impossible to take seriously.
Small dude inserting coins into BB-8, who has a slot and some internal empty space for no reason. The scene goes on for many many seconds.
Corporations should not be in Star Wars.
Anti corporation propaganda should not be in Star Wars.
Weapons should be manufactured by the bad guys in Star Wars. We did not hear about contractors building the Death Star.
The second lesson in the force is that the jedi are bad, and Rey should fuck off.
As a ship runs out of fuel, it is blown up with a guy still in it. The guy says the evacuation is complete. He says that in the ship.
Finn and fangirl reiterating their subplot in detail to each other in the jail cell.
There is a master codebreaker there by chance.
Codebreaker simply walks out of the cell because he didn’t like being there anymore.
BB-8 shoots five hundred coins from his belly.
Animal rights should not be in Star Wars.
Fangirl explains that saving an animal was the important thing, the Resistance can go fuck themselves.
Kylo Ren shows up half naked, and Rey tells him to dress up.
Luke tried to kill his apprentice, the son of Han and Leia. This should be the reason he is hiding: shame.
Earlier they hinted at the famous face-yourself-in-the-mysterious-place scene, but then we didn’t get it. Now we do! Apparently the theme of this movie is to hint that some iconic scenes will be replicated, then give something else, but later show the iconic scene anyway. Double twist!
We are reminded to Rey’s parents because it is hot topic among fans.
Tele-touching hands.
Rey and Luke fights. There is so many things wrong with this.
When trying to kill Kylo, Luke chickened out in the last moment with his lightsaber out.
Luke did know about Snoke back then, but for some reason he decided against doing something about it.
Luke decides to burn the books many years after he concluded that the Jedi Order should be ended.
Yoda shows up and burns the books himself, thus not changing the outcome at all. Why showed up exactly this moment, why not, say, after?
Yoda can apparently interfere with physical things. That would have been useful a number of times in the past.
Yoda lectures Luke about how should we learn from our failures, which does not amount to anything, because Luke will not train anybody in this movie.
X-wing is manufactured by the same corporation that manufactures TIE fighters. Moral ambiguity should not be in Star Wars. Should we now think that the rebels/Resistance are just as bad?
Rey’s capsule just flies into a First Order flagship without anyone paying the least amount of attention. Even if she was expected, some escorting ships would have been nice.
Clothes iron shaped ship landing, followed by robots ironing some cloth.
The codebreaker manages boarding a First Order flagship without any problems whatsoever, then the team is simply spotted by one random robot.
The random robot is an evil looking BB-8 variant because BB-8 was popular.
Codebreaker gives fangirl her shiny thing back.
Phasma brought back from death.
Phasma brought back for these scenes only, she was nowhere to be seen up to this point.
Purple hair lady has to drive the ship, even if they don’t need the ship to go anywhere, and even if they did, a robot could do it.
Purple hair lady does not even attempt to drive the ship, just stands there elegantly.
Snoke says he assumed Luke will be the light side counterweight to Kylo’s darkness, but now he sees it is Rey. This balance bullshit is getting out of hand.
Snoke reveals that this entire Romeo and Juliet subplot was his master plan. This renders the only meaningful subplot of the movie meaningless.
Snoke insists on Rey telling the location of Luke Skywalker despite he just explained that Luke is not the important figure he assumed.
Turns out that purple hair lady did have a plan, but kept it secret, so everyone could think she is the bitch she seems to be.
The plan is to hide on a planet in the system they are in. But the First Order knows that they jumped to this system not knowing about being tracked. It indicates that the system must be important.
The First Order only tracks large ships, not small transports. How does that make sense to only track ships you know about? First Order ships does not have the ability to track unexpected objects?
The First Order uses scanners that can find cloaked ships, but only after they learn that there are cloaked ships. Maybe they were too expensive to turn on?
Codebreaker betrays the girl he gave the shiny thing back to and walks off.
Snoke smashes Rey’s lightsaber to her head.
Snoke shows Rey the fleeing rebel army. The only purpose for this scene is to “rhyme” the iconic scene from Return of the Jedi. It made sense there, it was a part of the emperor’s plan to bring out the dark side from Luke. Here, Snoke does not have any plans.
Snoke instructs Kylo to kill Rey, a scavenger he barely knows, as the completion of his training.
Snoke dies and nothing is revealed about his background, origin, motivation or plan. This storyline is wasted halfway through the trilogy.
Rey is on the level of Kylo Ren in lightsaber combat, despite Kylo is not injured this time, and Rey has only got two lessons, both being utterly useless in every way.
Kylo and Rey attempts to establish a relationship despite learning that Snoke orchestrated the entire thing, and the two has zero reason to be attracted to each other.
Kylo and Rey can’t come to terms with the relationship, so they decide to break up.
Kylo Ren informs Rey that her parents were absolutely insignificant. This storyline is wasted halfway through the trilogy.
Phasma orders his men to slice the captives instead of shooting them, for evilness reasons.
Purple hair lady gets the idea to ram into the battleship. If this is possible, why nobody did it before? Why the rebel ships that has been destroyed earlier didn’t do this? Why don’t you build weapons based on this technology?
When the two ships are slammed together, the movie goes silent and black and white. This imagery does not belong in Star Wars. Its tragic tone does not fit the event.
BB-8 rides a half AT-ST.
Phasma has super strong armor. Nobody else in the First Order has such armor. In fact, not even X-wings has such an armor, as demonstrated in the previous episode.
Gwendoline Christie wanted to show her face at least for a second, but only got to show her left eye.
Phasma dies a totally insignificant death by falling into fire. That storyline is wasted halfway through the trilogy.
The movie just cuts to Finn and fangirl flying away without showing them boarding a ship. The scene looks like the half AT-ST is a transformer and just turned into a ship.
Finn and fangirl achieve exactly nothing, a large portion of the running time is wasted.
The rebel base is Hoth with walkers. In the very beginning tricked to believe it would be Hoth, but it was not Hoth then. Now we have Hoth complete with walkers. At this point the pattern is confirmed. They are trolling us.
Crystal twinkly thingies.
It is unclear why they want to call all the other rebels to arms now. They just escaped an ambush and lost most of their forces. If they called the others two days earlier, they would have had a chance.
The First Order brought a battering ram even if they didn’t know they will need one. The First Order never goes anywhere without a battering ram.
Turns out that the writers have more tricks up their sleeves. The planet looks like Hoth, but it is not snow, it is salt. Definitely trolling.
Walkers are basically AT-ATs with just enough changes so they can have different codenames.
Speeders can fly, but it is somehow necessary to lower a thing that makes nice red dust trails.
Kylo instructs the AT-ATs to shoot at the speeders. Up to this point, the walkers just stood there and did nothing.
The speeders are getting shot down one after the other, so decide to fall back. Finn decides to continue. The AT-ATs stop firing, and just stand there.
Finn drives toward the ram as fast as he can, but the fangirl manages to crash into him from the side.
The fangirl almost kills both of them.
The fangirl explains that self sacrifice is stupid, despite the many occasions people sacrificed themselves in Star Wars.
Awkward kissing scene.
The walkers watch the unfolding scene totally zoned out.
Luke walks out to face the First Order to majestic music foreshadowing a great showdown. Nothing of the sort happens.
Kylo instructs Hux to sit around while he deals with Luke, instead of attacking the base.
Poe assumes that Luke just stalls time despite nothing at all indicates that. Luke obviously does not fear the walkers and also about to take out the main threat, Kylo Ren. We have every reason to believe that Luke will eliminate the army by himself.
Luke indeed just stalls time, but does not tell that to the rebels. It is fortunate that Poe stupidly assumed it, or else they might have attempted to help him out.
It is established that there is only one entrance, but when the plot needs another one, there is.
They pretend to pull the Obi-wan card, but then not. Is it a new instance of the hint-divert-deliver routine?
Rey’s cheap joke about lifting rocks.
Bullet-time does not belong in Star Wars.
Luke is so tired he disappears. At this point, there was laughter in the movie theater.
So it was the double twist again. Luke was hinted to die, then shown not to die then finally dies. Is this intended to be smart?
Luke could have shown up and actually do the Obi-wan thing. It would have been much more impactful.
Leia claims that there is hope. At this point the entire rebellion is boarded on the Millennium Falcon, and it is not even crowded. Nobody responded to the distress signal. What is so hopeful about it?
Luke does very little in the movie and is a disappointment overall.
No new planet types. We have a snow planet disguised as salt planet, we have two regular looking planets with lot of water, and that’s it. The planets have no character.
We hope the mop jedi kid is not the beginning of a new storyline.
Two superweapons in one movie, three if we include lightspeed tracking.
The relationship of Rey and Kylo could have been so much more interesting. They both had unhappy childhood for different reasons. They were both ambitious. They were both searching for themselves. It could have developed into friendship and then love. They could both be ready to give up their struggle and be together. Instead, we get this usual “you turn! no, you turn!” routine.